July 2, 2022

Washington (AP) — Emboldened by the addition of other conservative justices, Justice Clarence Thomas is changing the face of the court, as well as the face of the country. 

Last week he flip-flopped his opinion on the Second Amendment. While he stated in 2020 that the Second Amendment supported carrying a weapon in your own home, last week he stated that it now covers open carry in public.¹

Just two days ago, he falsely stated that COVID vaccines contain cells from aborted fetuses.²

The recent Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization decision overturned Roe v. Wade. In his concurrence, Thomas stated “Cases like Griswold v. Connecticut, 381 U. S. 479 (1965) (right of married persons to obtain contraceptives); Lawrence v. Texas, 539 U. S. 558 (2003) (right to engage in private, consensual sexual acts); and Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U. S. 644 (2015) (right to same-sex marriage), are not at issue.” However, he followed that up with the chilling statement: “…in future cases, we should reconsider all of this Court’s substantive due process precedents, including Griswold, Lawrence, and Obergefell.”³

So, it seems like Clarence is suggesting that the court could revisit whether citizens of the U.S. have the right to obtain contraceptives, have the right to marry someone of the same sex, or even whether adult U.S. citizens have the right to private, consensual sex with other adults.

Some pundits have brought up the fact that he did not reference the court’s 1967 decision in Loving v. Virginia which declared that it was unconstitutional to ban interracial marriage, given that he is a Black man married to a white woman. 

But we caught up with Thomas and were able to ask him a few questions. 

What’s next for this court justice? 

We asked Justice Thomas specifically about the Loving decision. 

He said he would definitely be going after Loving verdict, calling the constitutionality of decision into question.  

After been asked what other cases warranted reconsideration, he stated that since the court ruled in 2013 in Shelby County v. Holder that the 1965 Voting Rights Act was out of date, it was high time to reconsider United States v. Reese which effectively codified the 15th Amendment providing that voting could not be restricted based on race. 

When asked why he, as a Black man, would suggest that the Loving and Reese decisions should be reconsidered, he responded: 

“I’m rich. You think that if Kavanaugh’s mistress needs an abortion, he won’t find her a way to get it? If Amy wants birth control, you think she won’t be able to score a black market Norplant?” 

“Plus, what do I care about general elections? I have a one in 12 vote in the most powerful court in the land. And between gerrymandering and corrupt Republican Secretaries of State handling elections, we’re getting to the point that the actual voting won’t matter – Republicans will win no matter who comes out to vote.” 

“And if things get a little heated with all this libtards and their whining about their rights, there’s the law that Biden just signed protecting U.S. Supreme Court Justices.⁴ We’re making American great again!” 

At this point, he began to stare off into space wistfully, “Maybe we could even bring back the Dred Scott case and get rid of that pesky 14th Amendment…”⁵ 

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Yes, this article is parody – though I know it’s often hard to tell parody from reality when it comes to what Republican politicians say. But the only speculation is the info after “What’s next for the court justice?” The rest are true facts: 

¹Justice Thomas declared in 2020 that the Second Amendment covered having a gun in your home; now he believes that it covers carrying it openly in public.

²On June 30, in his dissent regarding vaccine mandates, he stated, “They object on religious grounds to all available COVID–19 vaccines because they were developed using cell lines derived from aborted children.” Which has since been debunked.  

³The June 24, 2022 Dobbs decision does indeed include the exact language written above. 

⁴On June 14, after potential threats to Justice Bret Kavanaugh, President Biden signed the Warner-Hagerty Emergency Funding Bill into law. Because with all the protections and rights being taken from U.S. citizens by the Supreme Court, we need to be pouring even more of our tax money into protecting rich white dudes!

⁵Update (after publishing): In the “you can’t make this shit up department”, I just read that in the recent Bruen decision allowing for open carry, Thomas actually quoted one of the justices in the Dred Scott v. Sandford case (which stated that people of African descent could not be citizens). Here’s the quote from the recent decision: “Writing for the Court in Dred Scott v. Sandford, 19 How. 393 (1857), Chief Justice Taney offered what he thought was a parade of horribles that would result from recognizing that free blacks were citizens of the United States. If blacks were citizens, Taney fretted, they would be entitled to the privileges and immunities of citizens, including the right ‘to keep and carry arms wherever they went.'” I’m at a loss at a Black man quoting a racist Chief Justice in one of the worst decisions ever made by the courts to allow people to brazenly carry firearms out in the open. It’s beyond the pale.